You know you’re 60+ when…

The phrase zero to 60+ means your life is flashing before your eyes.
Your carefully saved nest egg has flown the coop.
You start getting carded again, but now cashiers want to see your senior card to make sure you’re old enough to qualify for the discount.
Instead of adding blueberries to your cornflakes, you just sprinkle them with your morning medications.
Your joints snap, crackle and pop more than your Rice Krispies.
Your ankles start sagging over the top of your anklets.
Your liver spots are starting to make you look like a Dalmatian.
Your gums have receded so far that you look like you could be the oldest cast member of Twilight.
You save a ton of money on shampoo, not because of your senior discount, but because you now have too little hair to bother with it.
You no longer need a spoon to stir the creamer in your coffee. You just pour the milk in and let your shaky hand do the job.
You go from wearing bifocals to wearing trifocals.
The 20-year-old clerk at the DMV thinks you’re joking when you say you are there to renew your driver’s license.
Your brand new lighter runs out of fluid before you can light all five-dozen candles on your cake.
Trying to remember what you wanted to wish for leaves the candles burning on your cake long enough to set off the smoke detector.
There are so many medication bottles in your bathroom cabinet that you no longer have room for cosmetics and toothpaste.
You finally have to admit that your “character lines” are really just wrinkles.
You start wondering who that old woman/man is looking in your window and realize you’re standing in front of the mirror.
You remember back to when you used to need a booster seat at restaurants, and realize that now you could use one to see over the dash on your car.
You used to make fun of adult diaper commercials, and now you’re clipping coupons for them “just in case.”
You look back fondly at your 40th birthday and laugh at all the trauma you felt about getting so old.

“Old Man’s Survival Kit”

Antacid Tablets
Anti Wrinkle Soap
Aspirin: For all the new little aches & pains
Baby Bib: To catch the drooling when napping
Balloon: To hold all that hot air you’re full of
Blue Hot Tamales: AKA Viagra
Watch: For all those “Senior Moments”
Crying Towel….Need I say more??
Tweezers: To remove chin, nose and ear hair.
Vitamins
Whistle: For when you fall & you can’t get up
Yo-Yo: For strenuous exercise
Pull Up (Diaper)- Use as needed, because everything either dries up or leaks
Fireball Candy: To put some fire back in your life
Instant Face Lift: Roll of duct tape
Instant Hair Grower: To replace the hair you will loose.
Magnifying Glass: For reading really small print
Paper Clips: To help hold it all together
Reading Glasses: So you can read all those Rx’s bottles
Rubber Band: To give you flexibility back
Screwdriver: To tighten up loose screws
Small Funnel: Because you wonder why everyone has started to mumble
Spring Clothes Pin: To clip to nose to stop snoring
Toilet Targets: Avoid embarrassing misses. Better Aim Less Shame! (I made my own out of our circle punches)
Screws: In case you loose some
Energizer Batter: For extra energy
Toothpicks: To help prop your eyes open so you don’t fall asleep every time you sit down.